sweet and sour.

finally i cud talk with him yiipiieyeyy!!and you know what ,gw punya baby HAHAHAHAHAH..

his name DURA JOWOK...i love dura and his pap..

but as always,dia ngambek,caused gw salah,LAGI kali..he wanted me to stop..i don't know why..well i won'tstop loving him.im a stubborn.bodo amat orang terlajur sayang mau apa weeeeeeeeee.. :p i won't replace him to another guy.TITIK.

he never know gimana gw bisa ngarep 5 Menitnya dia pas gw birthday,buat gw itu kado yang ngga bisa gw beli.its been a long time i waited for this..palingan birthday gw lewat gitu aja ga ada kesan..basi..B-A-S-I..

''ngayal'' itu obat kecewa gw setiap hari.mau itu kecewa sama siapapun..ngayal itu mengghibur meskipun rasanya kesian banget ya gw..tapi itu ngebantu gw :)

kalo orang2 sialan itu pada bilang ''shir cowo kan banyak..!"

go fuck themself ..i don't give a shit,gw tau cowo banyak,kalo gw bilang gw maunya sama dia gimana?kalo gw bilang gw sayangnya sama dia?mati aja tuh orang2 sok bener yang nasehatin gw ini itu berasa pala nya bener..

sampah.

palingan kalo gw tempatin manusia2 itu di posisi gw,dia akan milih jalan yang sama..

fight this fuckin war,i dn't care that risk at least gw kasi apa yang gw punya,gw sayang sama itu manusia lebih dari apapun,just so you know.

I LOVE YOU AND YES I DO.TITIK.

1000 fears

sekarang gw duduk ditempat yang sama,kepikiran dia..iya selalu tentang dia.ngga ada yg bisa gantiin.cuma dia satu makhluk gembul yang isengnya ga pake hati.cuma dia yang bisa bikin gw happy.uah berapa hari ini,tiap pagi ngga ada yang bangunin..makanya gw suka kebangun tiap kali..gw masih sama,gw masih nunggu.satu alasan sebenernya gw masih stay..karna dia worth it buat ditunggu...(*ge-er dah dut2)..
belakangan ini mimpi gw ngga karuan,mungkin perasaan gw yang salah,atau mungkin salah Tuhan yang ngasi mimpi aneh2,ya dia ngeluh sakit yang gw ngga bisa tolong,dimipi itu gw ngga bisa nyentuh dia,dia ngga even bisa liat gw..gw kebangun dan,nangiss..(*maklum cengeng)
kalo ditanya gw kangen apa engga?
ya gw kangen banget2..
sesekali gwliat family picts,gw cuma bisa nangis.meremin mata,terus ngomong dalem hati.."shirley anaknya sabar..pasti bisa lewatin ini.."
selalu inget lagi mas bob marley (*hahahaha)
''DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING..CAUSED EVERY LIL THING IS GONNA BE ALRIGHT"
goyangin kepala,kekiri-kekanan,tetep posisi meremin mata..gw kembali nangis .
gw selalu keinget akan imjinasi,suatu hari gw bisa sama2 dia yang jelas2 dia selalu bilang itu ngga mungkin..
bukan ngga pernah lagi gw ngarep gw bisa diakuin sebagai seorang shirley yang tolol gini.
gw ngga pernah ngerasa tolol karna gw sayang sama makhluk begitu..AHAHHA
dia selalu bilang ngga akan pernah bisa ngehargain gw,anggep gw ngga even setitik dipart hidupnya..
gw ngga mau percaya itu..
gw selalu percaya dia sayang gw..itu lebih dari cukup.
gw ngga perduli orang bilang apa,gw tolol,entah gw dibilang galaku,apapun itu..
gw tau cowo banyak,gw sadar itu..tetep ngga bisa lagi disamain sama ini makhluk,palng ISENG yang gw temuin,palin GEMESIN,paling ndut,paling dodol kalo molor kejeduk terus,jatoh lah dari ranjang..
i kangen GEDE sama you dut.like GEDE sekali

kadang gw suka kebayang suatu hari nanti,ya i called it oneday..
seribu ketakutan gw mulai nusuk otak gw pelan2,rasanya gw kayak berenang di air mata gw yang mungkin mata gw pecah lagi pembuluhnya karna seribu ketakutan yang pernah ada..
didalem seribu ketakutan itu selalu tentang dia..masih sama
dimana dia bilang dia ngga bisa sama gw,ngga sayang sama gw,ngga peduli setitik pun sama gw,dimana gw liat dia sama yang lain,dimana dia bener2 pergi,dimana gw cuma bisa liat dia kesiksa sendiri dan gw ngga bisa ngapa2in,dan lain lain lain lain nya..
nyesek lagi rasanya kalo lo sayang sama satu makhluk yang disaat itu makhluk kesiksa,lo ngga bisa apa2..
dimana lo ngerasa ngga guna jadi manusia..
dimana lo ngga dihargain sama semua orang,
simana lo bener2 nemuin kata nyerah..
temen gw cuma lagu bob marley,sama satu lagu yang selalu ingetin gw sama dia.."married life" - soundtrack 'up'
sampe sekarang kalo ngerasa gw nyerah,yg gw inget satu hal..mami,sama dia..yea you dut..

wew.

ngga tau salah apanya lagi nunggu payment apa salah gw..heran,mana pake acara jatoh dari tangga.perfect..
akhirnya gini lagi,ngga ada tujuan mau ngapa2in,rasanya kosong..
bday kali ini maki perfect ancurnya.ini namanya sayang sama gw?wew..
dirumah salah,nyari duit salah,mati aja..

i hate it.i hate july!

kenapa sih susah banget sekali aja ngerasain birthday happy with a guy who i fell for?
is that hard GOD?
MAN!
I NEVER WANT TO LIVE IN THIS SHIT WORLD.
i have  a family but i cant feel any ..
i have a lots of friends,i cant feel them
one of them betrayed on me..
whn i got a guy,and i do love him..
he pushed me away..he said he love me but what about now?
catherine,catherine,catherine catherine...SHIT!
fucked up.
gw ngga pernah minta dilahirin.kalo cuma buat disalahin,dikatain sama orang,di jugdge sama satu hal namanya ''UANG''..ga [ernah jauh dari kata uang,.yang mereka pikir namanya kesetiaan,sabar,sayang,sacrifice,bisa di beli sama duit.
anjing!gw bukan pelacur!
sampah.
gw uadh kurang sabar apa?
kurang gila apagw nentang semua yang mereka anggep baik,yang mereka anggep gw bakal dapet sesuatu yang lebih suatu hari nanti..FUCKED THAT UP!SHIT!BULL SHIT..
SOK TAU LO SEMUA.THIS IS MY LIFE.
I WANNA DO WVERYTHING I WANT.
I'M GONNA LEAVE THIS SHITTY LIFE BITCH!
IM SORRY D COZ I DELED UR BBM,SKYPE,MSN..udah ngga mau jealous2..dari pada lo keganggu kan..better i leave this life.
i dont have anyone d.
except you.
no one care.the dont care.and you too..the just pretending...
tiap july pasti sial..
gw rasa gw mausian ngga guna.ngga bisa jadi apa2..sampah..
sia2 man gw dilahirin..buang duit doang,ngga bakat gw idup,napas aja musti diajarin rasanya..
maaf buat yang ciptain gw..
gw lancang..
gw ancurin tiap part badan gw..
unuse man gw idup..
ngga ada tujuan...
di otak gw cuma,suice,and pain,udah ngga ada yang lain..
capek ya idup ternyata,
dii, ngga ada 22 july.if ure not here on that day.mybe i'm already gone..

i'm gonna wake you up if you fallen asleep

like we used to

he said: "I can feel her breath as she's sleeping next to me sharing pillows and cold feet. She can feel my heart, fell asleep to its beat. Under blankets and warm sheets. If only I can be in that bed again. If only it was me instead of him. Does he watch your favorite movies? Does he hold you when you cry? Does he let you tell him all your favorite parts when you've seen it a million times? Does he sing to all your music while you dance to Purple Rain? Does he do all these things like I used to? 14 months and 7 days ago. Oh, I know you know how we felt about that night. Just your skin against the window. Oh, you took it slow. And we both know it should have been me inside that car. It should have been me instead of him in the dark.... I know love happens all the time, love Your on my mind, love And that happens all the time, love, Will he love you like i loved you? Will he tell you everyday? Will he make you feel like your invincible with every word he'll say? Can you promise if this one's right, don't throw it away? Can you do all these things? Will you do all these things like we used to? Oh, like we used to..." i said : "does she jealous when u teased her,like i did? does she kiss ur forehead before you sleep? does she like a chocolate mud cake and strawberry juice like i liked? does she like beard papa like we ate,used to?and watching dvd's like we did? does she like hot pink like me? does she like that fireflies video,like i had,yea from you?"

you never know what i feel.

the part when i need u that much,

dimana gw nyaris mampus?

dimana gw ngerasa nafas persetik segitu mahalnya?

dimana gw segitu ngarepnya lo dateng buat peluk..

dimana gw nunggu seharian ternyata lo ngga ada..

where are you?

i'm going to leave..far

far

far

far

far away...

like u wanted :)"

satu hal.ngga ada yang pernah,NGGA ada yang pernah dii yg sayang sama gw...

entahlah

I feel empty. feels life has no goal. after what I've got just disappear. I do not understand anymore what it means to be happy, it had run aground. I went from the hospital, I had failed to end it all. I'll be back again for it. I will never be tired to wait. Was ridiculous? or rather stupid? I never regret what I have done where the happiness I have ever had anywhere now either. if only god I asked for last. call me a master poet, I was ready to go. sorry for my mother she kept crying and asked what was wrong with me, I'm not sleeping lord, when I was lying on white bed yesterday, I feel how disappointed, saddened that so deeply when she could no longer know what has happened so I tried to end everything. He paused, as I said, "mom I do not want to pass the day where I was born. if I had not been born, you should not feel bothered, embarrassed, disappointed like this. I'm sorry .. the one thing a mother, I will never regret Absolutely love him. although visible futile in the eyes of yours or someone else. but I'm happy for all this pain. "I smiled.

I feel just scared. seems vague, I felt blind. dark my heart feels. I never asked for mercy.


Currently, if you read it.


"I sincerely care about you. Although kamuterus say never loved me and kept lying to yourself. I know you clearly. Do not be afraid, I'm sure there'll accompany you, I promise .."

dear grandpa..

Dear grandpa,I keep thinking,praying on my knees..keep wondering about one day..happily ever after with my future husband and my lovely kids,make breakfast for my family, encourage my kids and blablabla..for the first I never been like this,when I felt afraid of ‘divorce’ of my parent everyday, every ‘EACH’ day,when I was a kid.they keep fighting till oneday my mom held a knife and yeah all I did it’s just yelled to myself ‘stop it.please stop…’,while all over my friends were busy to playing around and all I did just watched them fighting.i don’t have any bestfriend when I was a kid.i felt like I don’t have any guy I loved to.i never had any ‘surprise’ from anyone,except from my parents. envied to every kids out there,who had a lots of surprise from teir parents if they pass grade with a good score or mybe when they were birthday.all I have it’s just my lovely grandpa,whom always there when I need,he made me laugh,entertained me with his story when he was young.he was an althlete,he got money,he got popularity on he was in highschool.he got my grandma,the only woman he fell for,always besides him when he was rich,when my grandpa’s fam betrayed on him,when my grandpa got stroke,and until he dead.


I envy u grandpa.i feel all alone. When I thought I found the one I fell for,gave everything he needed.be what he wanted (even not always like he wanted but I tried em.),sleep on time,quit doin some photoshoots,stayed at home,and keep trying to be the nice one.

I’m not pretending to be the nice one,but here I am.

There’s only two things I afraid of,I lost my mother,and him.

Its not because I never date another guy or whatever it is,but he’s the only one who made me happy,who teach me about happiness..

U know grandpa,I don’t mind if I’ll leave this life.i’m happy to do this lately.caused I planned to give my bloods,everything what he needs..i’m so tired grandpa,to hear those words,”divorce,lies,bullshits,teased,love songs and everything!”.i hate my dad when he cheated on my mom,I hated when my ‘FRIEND’ who told me that “ I’m her bestfriend “ but she betrayed on me?!,I hate when he keep acting like he’s not sick,he’s normal,he feels okay,he’s pretending to be a worst one,and blablabla,WITH HIS REASON,YEA,TO MAKE ME HATE HIM.TO MAKE ME FIND A NEW GUY,HAVE A NEW LIFE WITHOUT HIM.grandpa,It WON’T WORK!WILL NOT WORK on me.caused I WILL NOT HATE HIM,OR LEAVE HIM besides he keep teasing me and doin his ‘stupid’ way to make me hate him,while I will never hate him like another girl out there who had been played with him and go away after he paid their needs.

Grandpa,I don’t care who the hell he came from,whose his dad,his background,what happened with his life,what he did before he met me.all I know it’s just loving him.thats all grandpa..he is my happiness..please tell to God to make him stay longer,longer,LONGER than that fuckin doct said.

God I am really sorry for lied to everyone of this silly stuff.i said I won’t smoke and I did.it caused you gave me those fucking dreams,it’s is killin me,my mind,my head..it keeps running around this head as you know.that’s why..i want leave this shit life,gone forever and let him stay longer with his future wife..

 
grand pa,mom just saw me held that knife and she was pissed,she locked me..i knew why she's mad at me  :(
i don't know what i supposed to do.. :(

surat untuk tuan.

Tuan,kalau saja waktu mau ku rayu kali ini,aku ingin memutar semua keadaan.dimana aku mampu menghapus semua rasa sakit nya,karna aku enggan melihat dia merasakan sesak yang terlalu dalam.aku rela membawa semua rasa sakit yang dia rasa.dinding memiliki ribuan mata,ketika dia kembali meneteskan darah entah yang ke berapa kalinya,dadaku sesak.aku tak misa menyalahkan 'Tuan' atau siapapun.

kalau saja aku yang memiliki rasa sakit itu.aku rela tuan penyair.aku sangat rela untuk itu.aku enggan hidup lama,aku enggan hadir disetiap cerita dalam tiap lembar halaman yang TUAN ciptakan.aku enggan menulis dan menjabarkan arti kata b-a-h-a-g-i-a lagi Tuan,karena aku merasakan nya kini lebih dalam lagi.jauh lebih dalam Tuan.

aku takut Tuan,ketika suatu hari nanti dia hilang lagi.aku takut hidup ku mati kembali seperti waktu dulu,ketika dia pergi.aku takut tuan.aku takut.






Tuan,hari ini aku akan memeluknya LAGI.terimakasih atas semua kesempatan,terima kasih atas semua waktu yang Tuan berikan,dimana aku dapat menghabisakan waktu bersama.tolong sampaikan kepada semua anak buah mu,beri aku rasa sakitnya,aku rela pergi dan melihat dia jauh lebih 'iseng' dari sebelumnya.aku ingin dia tertawa sepuas hati ketika mereka merasakan debaran jantung yang mendenting begitu cepat,seperti yang aku rasakan sewaktu kejahilannya bermain.






kalau ada seseorang bertanya kepada ku kelak,"shir,bagian mana yang kamu cintai dalam sepanjang hidup?".


aku akan menjawab,"dia."

i.m.babybolobolo.

Suatu hari aku duduk beralaskan kerendahan hati,disana aku bercerita kepada air. kepadanya aku bercerita mengenai segala ketakutan ku. aku tidak mampu melihat bayangan ku sendiri ketika aku hendak bersolek.

ku coba lari merayu waktu, untuk mengembalikan bayangan ku yang hilang. Aku takut ketika suatu hari nanti, tuan penyair menjemput ku dan membawaku jauh jauh dari sini.dimana aku sedang menanti dia untuk kembali pulang.

Ketakutan aku berikutnya adalah disaat aku telah mencoba menghidupkan suatu benda yang begitu jelas benda tersebut merupakan barang mati.mengharapkan untuk mampu berdiri dengan satu kaki selama bertahun-tahun.

"aku enggan menghitung berapa kali aku terjatuh,berapa lama aku bersabar,sejauh apa aku berjalan,seberapa perih aku rasakan,seberapa kuat aku menahan."

aku enggan mendekam diantara rayuan api kepada air,paham membawa aku kedalam seribu dinding yang bertikai,kembali aku merayu waktu untuk terus berjalan.dimana aku masih mengejar bayang.

Kembali aku katakan,bahwa aku enggan menyerah terhadap kecaman waktu yang terus mecoba kesetiaan ku terhadapnya.aku akan terus disana.meyakinkan dia kalau "aku begitu mencintainya,tanpa syarat,tanpa pengecualian.aku mencintainya dengan sederhana",enggan menuntut kehadiran 1000 bintang tiap kali aku merasa kesepian.karena apa?.karena cinta yang menenangkan terus menjaga hati yang kesepian.dia enggan berpaling,karena dia telah merasakan hidup ala kadarnya.penuh kehangatan,seperti api terhadap angin.penuh kelembutan,seperti air yang membuai lapisan tanah

Aku masih menghitung hari dimana penantian aku akan berakhir,dimana emosi akan kerinduan akan mencair.ketika kehadiran membawa kehangatan bagi raga.

Kesabaran ku masih terus setia disana duduk bersandar dengan senyuman,setia menanti kehangatan berpulang..

I masih disini,shirleynya ngga bakal kemana-kemana.dia masih terus disini.don’t be worry.sabarnya ngga akan pernah putus,ngga akan pernah abis,,

Yang sayang gede sama ‘you’,

babybolobolo.

Shir.

23:27pm

ily d.ily mom.. :)

Ada dua alasan mengapa aku mampu mengembalikan senyum kepangkuanku

Pertama ,Aku memiliki dia yang membawa aku kedalam sebuah kehidupan kosong pada awalnya.ya.itu ibuku..

Kedua, aku memiliki seseorang yang mengisi kekosongan didalam hidup.dimana aku tidak pernah merasa takut akan sesuatu,dimana aku selalu merasakan sesuatu yang mereka sebut hidup.aku mampu menjadi sesuatu yang bersifat menenangkan,aku sanggup merayu air mata untuk menghangatkan hati.Ya,"dia"..dan akan selalu tentang dia.dan begitu banyak alas an,mengapa dia mampu merenggut lebih dari separuh jiwaku.aku memiliki sesuatu yang mereka tidak pernah rasakan,dimana aku belajar menempatkan kata sabar,menempatkan kata ikhlas di setiap bagian dalam sebuah buku,dia mampu mengusir kesepian di setiap bagian cerita..

Ada saat dimana aku terpisah jauh,Seperempat jiwaku begitu hancur,begitu "dia" hilang,tapi entah mengapa air menenangkan hati,dia berbisik kepada kepingan jiwaku yang rapuh,bahwa dia melihatmu dari kejauhan.dia enggan membunuh rasa.

Entah,aku tidak pernah kehabisan akal untuk menulis ini,aku mencoba memperlihatkan tiap sisi kehidupan yang aku miliki.

Aku enggan mendahului waktu,karena waktu mampu menghadirkan kembali separuh kehidupan yang lenyap,karena waktu mampu merayu api untuk menghangatkan air walaupun mereka ‘tidak mungkin’ bersatu,karena waktu mampu menghibur air mata untuk menari bersama hujan sehingga air mata memiliki makna disetiap ia jatuh maka dia tidak pernah sia-sia.

Jika mereka berkata aku bodoh,karena selalu mengundang perih dan tangis,mereka jelas salah.Terlebih ketika mereka berkata,’’hidup macam apa ini,hanya tangis kosong.ini bukan bahagia,ini derita.” Justru mereka yang tidak mengerti hidup,ketika perih kehidupan menghadirkan kebahagiaan tersendiri,itu hukumnya,ketika manusia mampu melewati masanya mereka untuk duduk dan berdiam diri,suatu hari nanti mereka tidak lagi menghujat ketidakpantasan kehadiran dirinya terhadap kehidupan,tetapi mereka mampu berkata “ini hidup.” , dan tersenyum.

i.l.y (",)

10:49 pm

.shir

dedicated for a guy,no one else.yea only one,it's him :)

aku enggan berhenti menulis tentang dia,

ya dia.

lagi-lagi dia..

sejenak hatinya pun merayu

dia meluluhkan emosi yang menggelapkan mata

sesekali aku kehilangan arah sesaat di pergi

dia sanggup menggembalikan senyum ke pangkuan
disaat sesekali aku tenggelam bersama emosi
dimana aku merasa penat dalam hidup
seketika dia datang
mengusir ego
melenyapkan ragu
dan aku
kembali hidup.

he said go fuck my self.im dyin ,yea im dyin a little more

baru setitik aku tersenyum,
kesannya sudah 1000 tahun aku mati rasa
sesaat aku berdiri,
dia mendorong nya lagi,
penderitaan menarik aku kembali kesana.
dimana tempat ku terjatuh memanggil aku kembali
mereka tidak lagi membutuhkan manusia bajing seperti aku
aku bukan siapa-siapa
aku bukan apa-apa
aku tidak mempunyai sesuatu yang berharga
enggan aku untuk bertahan
semua yang hampir aku miliki sirna
aku kembali mati
senyum memilih untuk pergi dan enggan berpura-pura,
jantung memilih untuk berpaling

aku?
aku mati.

happy-happIER-HAPPIEST!

Aku yang seorang yang mencintai kehidupan,seketika membenci hidup,aku membenci waktu yang terus mengejar,aku yang membenci keadaan yang kian menusuk,aku membenci setiap binatang jalang yang mendua,aku membenci setiap buaya yang terus tanpa henti membuat cerita.hebat!

Tiba-tiba aku ditawarkan selembar kertas putih pada permulaan.setelah ku perhatikan.itu tidaklah putih bersih.namun,penuh akan tinta.aku tidak sama sekali merusak kertas itu,corentan tinta yang bersebaran itu membuat aku mencintainya.entahlah.aku sendiri bingung.setiap mereka yang terus bertanya mengapa aku mencintainya,bagaimana aku bisa mencintainya tanpa syarat?

Dengan sederhana aku menjawab,itu bukan hanya sekedar kertas..dimana kertas itu merupakan gerbang kepada sebuah kanvas besar yang entah seberapa besar ukuran kanvas tersebut..kertas bertinta abstrak tadi mengajarkan aku untuk melukis.disana aku melukis dua makhluk hidup ,ya Cuma dua makhluk hidup yang berwarna hitam putih,kesannya hanya begitu saja,tapi jangan salah..karena itu mampu menghiburku,bahkan dia mengajarkan aku apa arti sakit,perih,air mata,yang aku simpulkan bahagia.

kenapa aku tidak menggambar bentuk hati,pepohonan atu apapun itu,melainkan 2 manusia yang bergandengan,berwarna hitam putih dan tersenyum.setiap orang terus bertanya-tanya akan itu.

ya,karena Cuma aku yang bisa membayangkannya

Itu kronologi cerita bagaimana aku dapat merasakan bahagia :)

dedicated for someone out there.(",)

waktu senggang dikala laper.

ketika sujudku terjawabdan ketika aku tidak lagi merasakan kata hambar
saraf otak ku mulai melemas

datang  seorang burung yang sangat bersahabat,
dia bertanya,"apa yang kamu cari kini?"
aku mengangkat bahuku,
dia bertanya lagi,"apa yang kamu tangisi?"
kembali aku mengangkat bahuku..

aku diam sejenak
kemudian,
aku berkata,"aku hanya ingin tau definisi bahagia.
aku bisa mengejanya b-a-h-a-g-i-a,
tapi aku buta akan artinya..
bisa kau bantu aku simpulkan?"

dia terdiam lalu pergi begitu saja..
kembali aku duduk di tempat yang sama
termangu atas definisi 'harapan'
entahlah..

suggested by mind trick.

when I'm lying

lying limp on moist soil

they ask me, what's it like?

I smiled

was too sick, so I can not feel it ..

it was enough to destroy everything,

when I speak in front of a thousand birds,

I say what I want

"I just want to grasp the water .."

they laugh

I try to forgive

but it was not enough to make all things better

master poet suddenly asked again

what I want

I said

"I do not want any host

give me a chance to grasp the water ..

no more ..

give me a chance to feel what they say 'happy' "

silly,,it's just my imagination!

if someone ask me what do i want now? i really want to spent time together with someone i don't know,i wanna see sunrise and sunset coincide on the day of my birthday..

someday,on thursday morning coincide on the day of my birthday,our body lie on this white sands,it's just you and me.one happy morning two people will share,where there's only us.one warm july hearts will see a world,where we could share our story,we laugh,smile..someday on thursday morning there'll be no tears,we'll see sun rising,from east to west,when you hug me tightly and say,
"baby,i'm here.this is our first time watching sunrise.where it's just you and me.
where i could see you smile..."
then i said,
"baby,thank you..i could see sunrise with you,finally..i could listen the wind and seas.and the best part is,right here with you..:)"
then we will watch the sunset melt through an ocean blue,

having dinner under the stars,there's a chocolate cake,we're wearing the same colour clothes,yeah it's white,i'm wearing a white dress,and you are wearing a white shirt and white pants,then we walking trough red roses on the sands,there's so much candles,

we'll dance all night long after dinner,
then i said,"have you ever seen heaven yet?some people says,there's a place of great happiness, delight, or pleasure.

this is why they called heaven.i could feel it.like they said,"happiness"."
i wish it isn't just an imagination :(

encore..

,from his bday gift from me,then chapter1,chapter2,chapter3,and his video,which he played “fireflies..”


When I watched a part which I hold a rose from him,I got it when we had a dinner.

I still could feel how happy I am when,a guy loves his girl that much,how he tried to made his girl happy.u know what that was the first time I got a surprise,when a guy made a special dinner,candles “I love you”,a pink flower,how sweet..every I had a surprise I always be thankful to god..i could get a guy who cares and loved me that much,who wanted me to keep smile,who always say “u are very pretty ma baby girl..”,keep tellin me that I was his girl..”tellin his friends that he likes me bfore we had that relationship bfore,took a pict and he said he wanted me to sleep ontime and said ‘p.s I like you A LOT’ ”..i keep remembering that time,every morning or every we had a time fo webbie,he began with “heiyyy (wit his own style..hihih..)” until ma mom keep askin me,where is dii,we miss em..

I inget yang you kerjain I katanya mau ke sg padahal u masi disini,muncul” pake dasi shocking pink sama sepatu pake tali shocking pink,baby..i miss that part..

When we had a chat in ur car a day bfore you got back there..

“baby kalo you mau nakal you inget I aja pasti ga jadi nakal,you baik-baik disini jangan nakal,one day I jemput you muncul tiba-tiba disekolah you,u know what you are very pretty,I don’t want to see u cry,I hate when u cried.” Then u hug me tightly I rasanya ngga mau lepas..till now,kalo I lagi duduk di depan rumah,I keinget semua omongan you..

I miss the way we laughed,the way u made me jealous like EVERYTIME!!! Made me shock therapy..made me feel so happy when u said I’m ur babygirl.i miss when u woke me up,how u support me everytime I brokedown and cried.how u care about me..told me about those jokes..

Sampei masih inget banget” dii, tentang si poltak sama kakanya si ucok..

I suka ketawa” kalo I inge cara u ceritainnya..terus cerita burung perkutut sama pak haji :)

And when I lost him,my family,all of my fellas tried that hard to heal me,tried that hard to made me stop cryin,they keep tellin me that if I love him I must le him go,set him free..

Here I am dii,here I am trying as hard as I made you happy before .i tried to set u free…

One thing “If u need someone to talk to,need a shoulder,need any jokes to make u smile..baby here I am,”

U know what its not because I gave up lovin you,its caused I want you happy out there dii,here I am being a good pretender,cheering around,joking..hugging ma friend who cried, even tough I’m fragile..i fix every each part inside ma head,ma heart ma mind..

Dii take care disana..i wish we can be a good friends :)

Like we did before,I miss you gede d..

AM I GOOD PRETENDER?

Udah sebulan lebih,semuanya ngga berjalan cepet.buat gw ini lamaa bgt”,sebulan yg lalu masih bisa ketawa-ketawa..masih bisa liat namanya muncul pas dia telfon gw.gw masih ngerasa bersalah.gw mulai ngerubah setiap part di hidup gw.sekarang masa-masanya gw bosen ngeliat hidup gini” aja..kata orang gw seharusnya ngeliat hidup dari berbagai sisi..baru dari situ gw ada kemungkinan untuk ngerasain namanya idup sedikit lebih bahagia..

Sampe sekarang gw masih nyoba buat mendefinisikan arti “bahagia”..bukan seberapa mahal kita spent,bukan gimana kita cara dapetinnya.tapi lebih kepada kamu menimpati kesedihan dan penderitaan setiap harinya,

Gw nga tau belakangan ini gw memang kenal sama beberapa guy diluar sana,yea like he said,”shir cowo itu banyak..”,even gw ga reply email dia yg itu..tapi gw jawab dlm hati,’iya I tau banyak,tapi 1 : sekiar ribu bakan juta org yang bisa cocok.and one thing I can’t find a guy like him”..

Pada awalnya gw masi mencoba buat jadi “a good pretender” but I was fail.

Caused semakin keras gw nyoba buat jadi pretender yang baik,rasa kangen gw udh gabisa gw simpen rapet-rapet,semakin lama semain nyesek gw nyalain diri sendiri.then I realized,gw nikmatin aja rasa kaya gini sendiri.cauesd no one can help.karna pada dasarnya,hidup itu bersifat individual kok,dimana manusia pada akhirnya akan hidup sendiri,bahkan mati aja sendiri’’ diadilinnya..

Kalo boleh gw mundurin waktu..gw mau balik ke smp lagi,gatau kenapa pas smp gag a kepkiran masalah cowok,cukup pnya bestfriends yg superr!!itu udh bener” ngisi idup gw.

Sekarang gw ngga tau maunya apa,gw ngga tau apa yg gw cari,apa yg gw kejar,gw juga ngga tau apa yg mau gw lakuin selanjutnya.kadang gw mikir buat pergi dr ni rumah jauhhh-jauhhh,ke luar negri,gw idup sendiri,dang a akan pernah balik kesini lagi..dimana gw bias mencuci otak gw,gw ga bakalan punya masa lalu,dan semuanya berubah,mulai dr awal lagi..dimana gw ga punya memories satu pun.eventough gw ganti nama stelah gw amnesia,it’s not a big deal fo me..

DAMN!

gw ngga tau dari kmaren ngga bisa tidur,ngga ngerti apa yang gw mau,ngga tau apa yg gw pikirin,satu hal yg gw rasain..sesek banget.gw nangis setiap hari kaya org sakit jiwa,gw juga ngga tau apa yg gw tangisin..

gw kangen banget sama semua moments gw sama d,

gw ngerasa ancur,ngga tau mau mulai dari bagian mana..

semua org gw rasa muak liat kayak gini,nangis ga jelas,marah-marah terus..

gw ngga tau marah kenapa,kesel kenapa..

semuanya udah nyampur jadi satu

kesel bgt kayak gini,mau ngomong sama org lain males bgt rasanya.

coba aja waktu itu gw bisa bareng sama opa keatas sana..

gw nga bakal ngerasain kayak gini..

gw malu,gw benci ama diri gw sendiri,gw kosong..

semua isi kepala gw overloaded kalo bisa mledak ya mungkin mledak..

lagi" hari ini di panggil bk,tu guru'' pada eneg liatin gw telat melulu tiap hari,jarang masuk,try out ancur..

sumpah demi apapun gw capek bgt rasanya,bosen gini terus,

gw bosen semua org ga berenti ngeluarin kata-kata "MUTIARANYA!" berasa paling bener sedunia,ngatur gw ini itu,berasa robot.

kerjaan tiap hari skolah,makan,plg skolah,tidur subuh,ngedit vidoe,buat sketch setumpuk,paginya telat skolah ....

gitu-gitu terus..

gw ngga ngerti lagi deh,ujian ga konsen"

scratching tangan sendiri sampe ga ada rasa,mau bedarah kayak apapun..

FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDD UUUUUPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

STUPID,MORON!!!!!!!!!

(",)

two weeks i could feel what happiness is

two weeks for me to fall for you.

i keep trying to move on living this life without you,

i can't stop cring holding those roses,

I kept holding the rose flower which has now withered,

i continued to read every letter that you gave before,

""I may not have a right to make this say to you that no one person is perfect, I'm not perfect for you, nor you to me. we know, everything is not going dipaksain good jadinya.buat the love you really as I am, maybe I'm not the person most dear to you, many who would really love to you than I am now. moreover they know how good you are and how much you want to make them happy. like you who wish me happy. only stupid guy who do not want to be your guy, and I'm one ..

ps do not ever scared I will not be there for you because I'll be around and kicking, and there's nothing worth crying.especially no one, and someone like me does not even worth a drop of your tears.smiley ~ smiley "
happy new year,
jakarta dec 31st 2009
xxx "

I still can smell your presence every time I miss you..

yes,i am a dreamer.

because I'm a dreamer,

I satisfy my pain when i missed it
imagining all about em,
yes,before 3 weeks ago

I'm still sitting here,
accompanied by rain,
singing,
"It's been a long time since you called me
You got me feeling crazy
How can you walk away,
Everything stays the same
I just can not do it baby
What will it take to make you come back,
Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just Is not true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do I'll wait for you .. "

everytime i miss you,

i don't know what to do,

don't know hot to tell you how much i miss you every single day..

caused every pieces me thier wants you..

I still can feel how happy I am right then,

the way you made me feel so right,

the way you hold me so tight,

and said,"baby girl,everything will be okay"

i felt terrible about it,

but I could not stop.

I could not stop writing to you.

I could not stop trying to tell you.

It's like those two weeks we spent
together were too perfect, you know?
It was not fair for me to have a few
weeks like that in a world like this,

and so we have to pay them back for it.

I think we've been paying them back for it ever since.

So although it is difficult,

Which means all I can do is wake up every

morning and say thank you. To the

sky. To no one. To everyone.

I want you to know, though,

that no matter how much time passes,

no matter how far away you are...

... on nights like these, you'll
always be here with me.

And more than anything else, I hope
that part of me is out there with
you, too ...

... wherever you may be.
It's a small gesture, but it's all
that I have. I hope that it is
enough.

Two weeks together.That's all it
took.

three months together.that's the best events in my life.

even though you hate me so,so it does not matter you're out there,

and I know you're so happy out there ..

one thing you should know ..

I'm still in the same place,
I'm not at all able to leave all of things about us,

i tried to push myself away.

everything looks dark,
while I was now blind, and mute
I lost my way to find you..

i lost my way..

a girl who missed u like hell.

ur used to baby girl,

shirley anggraini (",)