dear grandpa..

Dear grandpa,I keep thinking,praying on my knees..keep wondering about one day..happily ever after with my future husband and my lovely kids,make breakfast for my family, encourage my kids and blablabla..for the first I never been like this,when I felt afraid of ‘divorce’ of my parent everyday, every ‘EACH’ day,when I was a kid.they keep fighting till oneday my mom held a knife and yeah all I did it’s just yelled to myself ‘stop it.please stop…’,while all over my friends were busy to playing around and all I did just watched them fighting.i don’t have any bestfriend when I was a kid.i felt like I don’t have any guy I loved to.i never had any ‘surprise’ from anyone,except from my parents. envied to every kids out there,who had a lots of surprise from teir parents if they pass grade with a good score or mybe when they were birthday.all I have it’s just my lovely grandpa,whom always there when I need,he made me laugh,entertained me with his story when he was young.he was an althlete,he got money,he got popularity on he was in highschool.he got my grandma,the only woman he fell for,always besides him when he was rich,when my grandpa’s fam betrayed on him,when my grandpa got stroke,and until he dead.


I envy u grandpa.i feel all alone. When I thought I found the one I fell for,gave everything he needed.be what he wanted (even not always like he wanted but I tried em.),sleep on time,quit doin some photoshoots,stayed at home,and keep trying to be the nice one.

I’m not pretending to be the nice one,but here I am.

There’s only two things I afraid of,I lost my mother,and him.

Its not because I never date another guy or whatever it is,but he’s the only one who made me happy,who teach me about happiness..

U know grandpa,I don’t mind if I’ll leave this life.i’m happy to do this lately.caused I planned to give my bloods,everything what he needs..i’m so tired grandpa,to hear those words,”divorce,lies,bullshits,teased,love songs and everything!”.i hate my dad when he cheated on my mom,I hated when my ‘FRIEND’ who told me that “ I’m her bestfriend “ but she betrayed on me?!,I hate when he keep acting like he’s not sick,he’s normal,he feels okay,he’s pretending to be a worst one,and blablabla,WITH HIS REASON,YEA,TO MAKE ME HATE HIM.TO MAKE ME FIND A NEW GUY,HAVE A NEW LIFE WITHOUT HIM.grandpa,It WON’T WORK!WILL NOT WORK on me.caused I WILL NOT HATE HIM,OR LEAVE HIM besides he keep teasing me and doin his ‘stupid’ way to make me hate him,while I will never hate him like another girl out there who had been played with him and go away after he paid their needs.

Grandpa,I don’t care who the hell he came from,whose his dad,his background,what happened with his life,what he did before he met me.all I know it’s just loving him.thats all grandpa..he is my happiness..please tell to God to make him stay longer,longer,LONGER than that fuckin doct said.

God I am really sorry for lied to everyone of this silly stuff.i said I won’t smoke and I did.it caused you gave me those fucking dreams,it’s is killin me,my mind,my head..it keeps running around this head as you know.that’s why..i want leave this shit life,gone forever and let him stay longer with his future wife..

 
grand pa,mom just saw me held that knife and she was pissed,she locked me..i knew why she's mad at me  :(
i don't know what i supposed to do.. :(