entahlah

I feel empty. feels life has no goal. after what I've got just disappear. I do not understand anymore what it means to be happy, it had run aground. I went from the hospital, I had failed to end it all. I'll be back again for it. I will never be tired to wait. Was ridiculous? or rather stupid? I never regret what I have done where the happiness I have ever had anywhere now either. if only god I asked for last. call me a master poet, I was ready to go. sorry for my mother she kept crying and asked what was wrong with me, I'm not sleeping lord, when I was lying on white bed yesterday, I feel how disappointed, saddened that so deeply when she could no longer know what has happened so I tried to end everything. He paused, as I said, "mom I do not want to pass the day where I was born. if I had not been born, you should not feel bothered, embarrassed, disappointed like this. I'm sorry .. the one thing a mother, I will never regret Absolutely love him. although visible futile in the eyes of yours or someone else. but I'm happy for all this pain. "I smiled.

I feel just scared. seems vague, I felt blind. dark my heart feels. I never asked for mercy.


Currently, if you read it.


"I sincerely care about you. Although kamuterus say never loved me and kept lying to yourself. I know you clearly. Do not be afraid, I'm sure there'll accompany you, I promise .."

dear grandpa..

Dear grandpa,I keep thinking,praying on my knees..keep wondering about one day..happily ever after with my future husband and my lovely kids,make breakfast for my family, encourage my kids and blablabla..for the first I never been like this,when I felt afraid of ‘divorce’ of my parent everyday, every ‘EACH’ day,when I was a kid.they keep fighting till oneday my mom held a knife and yeah all I did it’s just yelled to myself ‘stop it.please stop…’,while all over my friends were busy to playing around and all I did just watched them fighting.i don’t have any bestfriend when I was a kid.i felt like I don’t have any guy I loved to.i never had any ‘surprise’ from anyone,except from my parents. envied to every kids out there,who had a lots of surprise from teir parents if they pass grade with a good score or mybe when they were birthday.all I have it’s just my lovely grandpa,whom always there when I need,he made me laugh,entertained me with his story when he was young.he was an althlete,he got money,he got popularity on he was in highschool.he got my grandma,the only woman he fell for,always besides him when he was rich,when my grandpa’s fam betrayed on him,when my grandpa got stroke,and until he dead.


I envy u grandpa.i feel all alone. When I thought I found the one I fell for,gave everything he needed.be what he wanted (even not always like he wanted but I tried em.),sleep on time,quit doin some photoshoots,stayed at home,and keep trying to be the nice one.

I’m not pretending to be the nice one,but here I am.

There’s only two things I afraid of,I lost my mother,and him.

Its not because I never date another guy or whatever it is,but he’s the only one who made me happy,who teach me about happiness..

U know grandpa,I don’t mind if I’ll leave this life.i’m happy to do this lately.caused I planned to give my bloods,everything what he needs..i’m so tired grandpa,to hear those words,”divorce,lies,bullshits,teased,love songs and everything!”.i hate my dad when he cheated on my mom,I hated when my ‘FRIEND’ who told me that “ I’m her bestfriend “ but she betrayed on me?!,I hate when he keep acting like he’s not sick,he’s normal,he feels okay,he’s pretending to be a worst one,and blablabla,WITH HIS REASON,YEA,TO MAKE ME HATE HIM.TO MAKE ME FIND A NEW GUY,HAVE A NEW LIFE WITHOUT HIM.grandpa,It WON’T WORK!WILL NOT WORK on me.caused I WILL NOT HATE HIM,OR LEAVE HIM besides he keep teasing me and doin his ‘stupid’ way to make me hate him,while I will never hate him like another girl out there who had been played with him and go away after he paid their needs.

Grandpa,I don’t care who the hell he came from,whose his dad,his background,what happened with his life,what he did before he met me.all I know it’s just loving him.thats all grandpa..he is my happiness..please tell to God to make him stay longer,longer,LONGER than that fuckin doct said.

God I am really sorry for lied to everyone of this silly stuff.i said I won’t smoke and I did.it caused you gave me those fucking dreams,it’s is killin me,my mind,my head..it keeps running around this head as you know.that’s why..i want leave this shit life,gone forever and let him stay longer with his future wife..

 
grand pa,mom just saw me held that knife and she was pissed,she locked me..i knew why she's mad at me  :(
i don't know what i supposed to do.. :(

surat untuk tuan.

Tuan,kalau saja waktu mau ku rayu kali ini,aku ingin memutar semua keadaan.dimana aku mampu menghapus semua rasa sakit nya,karna aku enggan melihat dia merasakan sesak yang terlalu dalam.aku rela membawa semua rasa sakit yang dia rasa.dinding memiliki ribuan mata,ketika dia kembali meneteskan darah entah yang ke berapa kalinya,dadaku sesak.aku tak misa menyalahkan 'Tuan' atau siapapun.

kalau saja aku yang memiliki rasa sakit itu.aku rela tuan penyair.aku sangat rela untuk itu.aku enggan hidup lama,aku enggan hadir disetiap cerita dalam tiap lembar halaman yang TUAN ciptakan.aku enggan menulis dan menjabarkan arti kata b-a-h-a-g-i-a lagi Tuan,karena aku merasakan nya kini lebih dalam lagi.jauh lebih dalam Tuan.

aku takut Tuan,ketika suatu hari nanti dia hilang lagi.aku takut hidup ku mati kembali seperti waktu dulu,ketika dia pergi.aku takut tuan.aku takut.






Tuan,hari ini aku akan memeluknya LAGI.terimakasih atas semua kesempatan,terima kasih atas semua waktu yang Tuan berikan,dimana aku dapat menghabisakan waktu bersama.tolong sampaikan kepada semua anak buah mu,beri aku rasa sakitnya,aku rela pergi dan melihat dia jauh lebih 'iseng' dari sebelumnya.aku ingin dia tertawa sepuas hati ketika mereka merasakan debaran jantung yang mendenting begitu cepat,seperti yang aku rasakan sewaktu kejahilannya bermain.






kalau ada seseorang bertanya kepada ku kelak,"shir,bagian mana yang kamu cintai dalam sepanjang hidup?".


aku akan menjawab,"dia."