iseng-iseng

bukan ku lepaskan pakaian" ini,tapi ku robekkan kulit ini.


aku marah.sedih.abstrak


aku tinggalkan semua emosi dan ego dibelakang.


ku lempar itu jauh.sangat jauh.


ya,terkadang aku muak.


aku lelah.


ya,aku menyerah.saat itu.

aku lelah terus memakai topeng ini.

ingin rasanya ku lempar dan ku bakar tepat didepan mereka.

ya,mereka yang tiada hentinya tertawa,

meludahi semua cerita di hidup ku.

sudah jenuh aku merdeka dalam kesendirian.

aku lelah untuk terus mempelajari semua yang harus ku pahami.

bila di suatu tempat diatas sana,

ya,yang katanya surga itu.

kini aku bersujud,

bibir ku bergetar,

air itu terus membasahi pipi.

kukatakan padaNYA.

"terlalu lama aku mengeluh,

terlalu lama aku marah,aku merasa muak.

kini aku menyerah.aku ini budakMU Tuan.

aku hanya sekumpulan tanah,

ya,aku sadar akan itu.."

ya.

ini yang mereka bilang "hidup".

hidup tapi aku mati rasa.

*imagination

someday,

sunday morning at 04.00 a.m,

our body lie on this white sands,

it's just you and me.

one happy morning two people will share,

where there's only us.

one warm february hearts will see a world,

where we could share our story,

we laugh,smile..

someday on Sunday morning there'll be no tears

we'll see sun rising,

from east to west,

when you hug me tightly and say,

"baby,i'm here.this is our first time watching sunrise.where it's just you and me.

where i could see you smile.."

then i said,

"baby,thank you..i could see sunrise with you,finally..i could listen the wind and seas.and the best part is,right here with you..:)"

then we will watch the sunset melt through an ocean blue,

having dinner under the stars,

there's a chocolate cake,

we're wearing the same colour clothes,

yeah it's white,

i'm wearing a white dress,

and you are wearing a white shirt and white pants,

then we walking trough red roses on the sands,

there's so much candles,

"i .l. y"

we'll dance all night long after dinner,

then i said,"have you ever seen heaven yet?some people says,there's a place of great happiness, delight, or pleasure.this is why they called heaven.i could feel it.like they said,"happiness"."

i wish it isn't just an imagination :(

rise and fall.

semua orang ada masanya.

RISE and FALL.
Sometimes in life you feel the fight is over,then it means its time to fall after all you rised.
after being a "super".

pertama,
seperti kertas kosong,
then buat imajinasi tentang suatu hal,
mulai buat sketch di kertas itu,
after that pasti muncul idea-idea baru,kayak diwarnain,atau mungkin ditambahin sesuatu biar berkesan hidup.
jadi suatu lukisan.
setelah itu abis dimakan masa.
semua tergantung pilihan orang yang gambar tadi.

kalo kata guru sosiology disekolah,
"hukum rimba"
siapa yang kuat dia yang bertahan,siapa yang nyerah dia kalah,dan mati. :p

"I know that everything is gonna change,when things change,life was never gonna be the same
Sometimes it's heaven sent,Then we head back to hell again.
We rise and we fall"

whic one do you choose?
rise or fall?

in this part,i called being stupid.

future.one word yang menurut gw curious,full of mystery.nobody can predict our future.

tarot,paranormal,palmistry,different lines and their meanings, hand shapes, fingers shapes, health carreer and love?

well i'm not ready to make it.i still trying to loose this 10 gallons head.too many fear inside my head,i'm afraid about my future.

dad j said that,

"everything are already set.

who will you meet someday?,

when will you get married someday and with who?,

and everything.

don't be afraid,every worry inside your head will go away soon,every little thing will be alright.

he said it's just a temporary event."

i knew that.even ini cuma temporary i mean ya tetep aja itu suatu masa yang harus dilewatin.

pada dasarnya hidup itu biasa aja.cuma tekadang kita nya aja acted like a 'drama queen'.

every moments in our life only events of life.dimana ada masa kita happy or sadcaused any reason.

sometimes we just enjoy that moment,feel that moment as deep as you fall apart that happiness.

sometimes we don't feel how precious someone,how expensive that moment

and sometimes we feel that moment doesn't mean anything then someday you'll miss that moment,you'll miss that person you loved,the person who loved you that much,how they tried make you happy,feel proud to have them,and tried to make you know the meaning of life is.

sometimes when you're really fall into a part,called love.you always want to make every part looks perfect in that event.sacrifising everything to make your partner feel special,loved.

ngga ada orang yang ngga being stupid gara-gara 1 hal.they called love.

mungkin kalo cinta-cintaan buat orang seumuran kayak gw cuma impulse.

semakin haus semakin ngejar.

i felt itu namanya sayang.

buat mereka yang shared their life sama gw,(well he's older jauhhh dr angka belasan,tapi puluhan [read:tua]).

he said,

"shir itu jauh dari kata sayang.sayang itu butuh proven bertahun-tahun,dimana kamu itu ngasih careness,bukan forcing someone you loved buat givin back apa yang udah kamu kasih.sekarang" ini itu cuma hasrat pengen milikin,some other people out there said obsession.kamu itu masih belajar.learning what's the meaning of life?.ngebangun mental buat "future"."

kadang gw ngga ngerti,ngga cuma 1 dua orang yang kasih advices yang bersifat mendewasakan gw.cara pandang mereka lain-lain.entah gw yang dibikin ngerasa berotak kecil(*read: stupid) aja dengan advices" itu.

semua orang pasi ngelawatin masa-masa kayak gini.ngerasa takut,ngerasa kecil,ngerasa dirinya sampah,ngerasa ngga punya rasa confident tinggi buat face the truth of life.and i'm one.stupid :p

untitled.

sitting on a couch.listening "three litte bird-bob marley,
"don't worry about a thing,cause every little thing is gonna be alright.." :)
holding my teddy bear.i smell my teddy,i feels like him.i could feel him around.
then i thinking about something ,i don't know why i always woke up too early.3 am?
i always dreaming about him.there's me and him,we spent everyday together.feels like i don't want anything waking me up like usual.i want to stay in my dream.
there's a space in my heart and my mind.
it's his place.i stored him there.but then he left.he choosed leave.he left.
i will make that space like used to.it's for him.even i don't know he will come again or not.i guess not.
i guess he hated me.he didn't love me.mybe never.
loving someone is not what you get from someone.but how you loving them,and giving them your best.not forcing someone you loved to love you back,to give you careness,give what you need.
i'm trying to act like 17,
i was suicide.successfully live in a trash.felt like i do't have anyone loved me that much.they've just laughing at me.they keep shouting at me,they keep yelling at me,they said i am stupid,wierd,an idiot,i'm such a loser.well i realizied,how bored he is to me :(
i don't have much things to be respect.i don't have any precious things.i don't have a pretty face.i am me.i am shirley.
shirley who trying to change herself into a better one.being a very good girl.
i guess i still stay here.in a same place.which there's only me.and teddy bear.it will stay here with me.
everything reminding me of him,when he said how pretty i am,tellin me i was his baby girl,tellin me how he love me.
then i start missing him,
every tears we spent,
every happiness we got,
every moments we made,
every stories and laughs we shared,
every jokes,
every warmness that i had,
every words you spoke,
every smile you gave,
every pictures we took,
every song we sang together,
everything reminding me of you.

thank you for being my baby boy.
thank you for loving me and care to me.
thank you for every surprise.
thank you for every letter u gave,
every chocolate cake :)
one thing d,i miss you gede sekali :p
and i still love you like used to *DT

the carousel

riding along on this carousel
from beginning to end
they'll come a day you and i might day
we'd like to try it again
just riding along in the wind chasing these dreams all over again
then maybe this time we'll stay on this ride hoping it never ends.
but its so hard to tell on this carousel
but its so hard to tell on this carousel
but its so hard to tell on this carousel
maybe ill find myself this time going around once again
its a one way ride kept this ticket inside
trying to get on once again
just riding along in the wind chasing these dreams all over again
then maybe this time we'll stay on this ride hoping it never ends
but its so hard to tell on this carousel
but its so hard to tell on this carousel
but its so hard to tell on this carousel
i just dont know when it stops spinning around and around
my thoughts still they always turn to you
but its so hard to tell on this carousel
but its so hard to tell on this carousel
but its so hard to tell on this carousel..

sweet

when we had lunch at emilie,you isenggg,cabut rambut i.diiket ke jari i,

you said,"kalo rambutnya putus besok pagi berarti kita emang ga bisa bareng."

ternyata bener.

on 31st jan 2009,we spent a night together :)

this is the first time i spent end year with someone i love to.liat fireworks :)

i could hug you like the last.i kissed you like the last time.

you said,"you are my baby girl" felt like the last time.

i can't.i'm not ready to loose everything :(

i miss those moments :(

i.l.y too much *t