chapters of laughter and pain.

what you would do if there only 2 choices,walk away and move on,or just stay till the final hours and you'll must move on.its just a simple words but hard to do,maybe this is just another story of love story.it's not about a giving up..it's about,limit.limit of my capability of being myself.sometimes i feel like walking around a dark room and find a needle.difficult..

i saw a scar.i need a bandage to wrap this scar so i could stop the bleed off.but sometimes when i feel lonely i really wanna rip the scar and yell to a thousand liar around me.''STOP LYING BASTARD!BACK OFF."

part one,

i found a light when i was cried aloud on my knees,restless,hopeless..then someone came along brought a candle and stay by my side.hugged me from the backside and said "it's gonna be alright,i'm here.."

suddenly i lost my fear for a while.and the tears won't dancing all around my eyes,there's a little smile.yes,i put on my lips politely.

part two,i called it process..

then i told every fears that i've got,i tried to open my heart and unlock it.thousand questions are written on my head,saids"am i ready?"..while you always trying to put ''trust and new other life" inside me..

i called it,process

part three,

i called it a brand new happiness in my life,i almost never believe that it can be happen to me.even you must share your life into 2 different partner.but this is my decision,i'll try no matter how hard the risks i have to keep it up..

part four,

cat fight..

arguing,arguing,and arguing about past..i wast try to let him know that i am done with my past,this is present,and thats why i live.and guess what you're still not believe me...then i'm thinking that i'm really done whit these kinda shits!i'm tired of every dramas we made,of leaving everything for thousand times.and you're still running and wanting me to stay while i said i've had enough..

part five..

it's hard if i'm saying,''i guess this is good bye.." i wish i can fake the hurt that i have inside,the fake that i should make when i'm not okay to you,and surrounds me.the fake that i should make when there's no call or message from you.this is another story about moving on,isn't it? what about there's a day that you won't be there when i really mean it to say good bye and leave you for real?

part six,

i'm still here with you in a different rooms,we talked by these message in my phone,i've choose read it and write another blog,cause ..nothing left to say..

dear life please be nice.

love,

S.A 5:33 pm.

where the story ends.

Trying not to lose my head but I have never been this scared before
Tell you what I'll do instead, lay my body down on the floor
To forget what I've done, silhouette til the good lord come
All we know is distance
We're close and then we run
Kiss away the difference
I know you hate this one
Trying not to lose your own, boxing up everything, you've got
All you ever knew of home, you're scared scared to see
Your mother there in the door, you wonder where did the years go
All we know is distance
We're close and then we run
Kiss away the difference
I know you hate this one
But this is how the story ends
Or have we just begun
To kiss away the difference
I know you hate this one
The violins make no sound
And I begin to feel the ground
All we know is distance
We're close and then we run
Kiss away the difference
I know you hate this one
But this is where the story ends
Or have we just begun
To kiss away the difference
I know you hate this one

insane

aku terdiam,
kini matahari merejang tubuhku,
menusukku perlahan.
aku masih disana.
terjatuh ditempat yang sama,
belum ada yang mampu membangunkan aku
dari tempat jahanam itu.
matahari berkelut dengan hujan.
tak lama,
hujan kembali melusuhkan aku,
rasa perih terus terasa,
malam jahanam.
ku ingin menjangkau telingamu,
bibirku bergetar menahan segala rasa,
sepi malam itu,
aku bernyanyi dikala hujan mengiring
aku mampu merasakan bunga itu hidup kembali,
bunga berbisik,
aku hidup,
meski aku buta,
hanya mimpi yang mampu menghibur,
aku tertidur diatas seribu bunga,
diatas ada pelangi,
aku mampu merasakan itu,
terjangan ombak,
terik matahari yang menyengat lembut,
disana ada dia,

sesuatu telah mengahantamku,
seseorang meludahiku,
dia berkata,
aku gila.

aku tidak mampu untuk murka,
aku mengerti aku hanyalah titik.
aku menunduk sejenak,
seketika aku mendongakkan kepala,
berkatalah aku kepadanya,
"tidak perlu kau tau bagaimana aku menjadi gila,
selama aku bahagia,
menjadi seorang yang abnormal.
terberkati mereka yang bahagia
karna meludahi titik yang kau bilang gila."
kemudian tertawalah aku kepadanya.
sosok itu terdiam,
dia menunduk dan pergi.

datang lagi seorang,
'gila kau!'
aku tertawa.

let it go.

mmhhh..

semuanya diulang dari awal.ketika gw coba berhentiin semua yang udah gw dapet beberapa tahun belakangan.gw lepas cm krn satu hal.

dibilang bodoh sih engga,dibilang nyesel,gw ngga sama sekali nyesel.why?

caused i got lessons of life.

dimana gw belajar ngehadepin orang yang keras kepala,orang yang ngga sabaan,orang yang ga pernah mau ngerti usaha keras org lain,orang yang ngga pernah ngehargain org lain,dan sebagaiiinya..

well,he still runnin inside my head.i tried so hard every single day supaya bisa konsen sama sekolah.udh nilai try out gw ancur gara" ga bisa konsen,mana nyaris kena DO,belom lagi gw telat terus tiap hari.asli...bener gw kaya ga niat sekolah.

udah gitu gw blom daftar dimana" kecuali UMN,yahh..itu aja karna referensi sekolah gw dapet grade A.(*wihhhh..)

hahahah..

tugas numpuk,buku gw pada ilangg aduh ujian gimana ni nasibb?!!!

ANCUR!!

sekarang mau konsen gedutin badan,hahaha..

parahhhh

i lost 8 kg and i gained 6 kg..wew..

everyone said,"shir genduttt!!!"

(*its freaking me out!!!)

hahahahha..

sekarang gw berserah diri ajalah,banyakin sabar..

semua pasti ada waktunya hahahah..

semua berseru,"HALELUYA!!!!!!!!! BAHAHHAAH!!"

insane.

aku terdiam,

kini matahari merejang tubuhku,

menusukku perlahan.

aku masih disana.

terjatuh ditempat yang sama,

belum ada yang mampu membangunkan aku

dari tempat jahanam itu.

matahari berkelut dengan hujan.

tak lama,

hujan kembali melusuhkan aku,

rasa perih terus terasa,

malam jahanam.

ku ingin menjangkau telingamu,

bibirku bergetar menahan segala rasa,

sepi malam itu,

aku bernyanyi dikala hujan mengiring

aku mampu merasakan bunga itu hidup kembali,

bunga berbisik,

aku hidup,

meski aku buta,

hanya mimpi yang mampu menghibur,

aku tertidur diatas seribu bunga,

diatas ada pelangi,

aku mampu merasakan itu,

terjangan ombak,

terik matahari yang menyengat lembut,

disana ada dia,

sesuatu telah mengahantamku,

seseorang meludahiku,

dia berkata,

aku gila.

aku tidak mampu untuk murka,

aku mengerti aku hanyalah titik.

aku menunduk sejenak,

seketika aku mendongakkan kepala,

berkatalah aku kepadanya,

"tidak perlu kau tau bagaimana aku menjadi gila,

selama aku bahagia,

menjadi seorang yang abnormal.

terberkati mereka yang bahagia

karna meludahi titik yang kau bilang gila."

kemudian tertawalah aku kepadanya.

sosok itu terdiam,

dia menunduk dan pergi.

datang lagi seorang,

'gila kau!'

aku tertawa.

use somebody

I've been roaming around, I was looking down at all I see
Painted faces fill the places I can't reach
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody

Someone like you and all you know and how you speak
Countless lovers under cover of the street
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
'Someone like you'

Off in the night while you live it up I'm off to sleep
Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat
I hope it's gonna make you notice
I hope it's gonna make you notice

Someone like me, someone like me
Someone like me, somebody

I'm ready now, I'm ready now
I'm ready now, I'm ready now
I'm ready now, I'm ready now
I'm ready now

Someone like you, somebody
Someone like you, somebody
Someone like you, somebody

"I've been roaming around,

I was looking down at all I see"

*king of leon

again.

I woke up,

I curse the rain so much ..

pain was more piercing,

when I pray to the Master Poet,

I bow to Him for the umpteenth,

I knelt down and sand covered with soil,

My feet stuck again,

by the past.

i rip my chest,

i cut slowly,

very slowly.

I whispered,

"until when Sir,

until when? "

I ran so far,

turn off the sound kept possession of my head.

when the desire deadly sense.

when the ego stepped on the liver,

it has blinded my eyes.

difficult to stay in the skin lines.

disappointed lethal whole nerve,

so numb.

I no longer can feel,

point they call happy.

kuhidupkan hatred so great,

I continued to kneel,

occurred,

I was expecting something,

which has been blinded,

silencing.

something that can not exist.

praying it's really empty,

there are no objects there.

I found that I ran in the room,

so I open my eyes,

I'm still in the same place.

still above the ground covered,

increasingly mired.

seemed empty.

really disappointed lethal half lives.

I'm a loser,

running from something called the real,

yes, life.

.

It's days like this I wish that I, wish that I had stayed asleep
It's times like these that make it so difficult to be
The light at the end, the crack in the sky
there's no promise for release
No way for me to get away
And all I'm trying to do is breath

Searching...for something more
Searching...for something right
Searching...for a sense of clarity
Searching...for a place to die!

Days like this I really wish, I really wish I wasn't me
It's times like this that make it hard, makes it hard to fuckin' see
No light at the end, no crack in the sky
everyone ends up deceased
A life like mine makes a man, turns a grown man to a flea

Piece by piece, I slowly fade away,
I slowly drift apart
I see a different world, closing in on the future
Sorry to be so cynical but it's all I know
Piece by piece, I slowly start to change
I slowly start to change!

vain

gw ngga ngerti gw kenapa..

kadang gw mulai suicide lagi,kadang eneg bangettt gini terus

berasa TOLOL,TOLOL dan TOLOL.

rasa nyesek bikingw rasanya mau ngamuk..

akhirnya gw terus"an giini,

i'm stuck in the middle.

i want to move on..

but every moment make me feel this way.

d it's hurt.

when i'm missing you this much,

but u're gone.

choose to left.

DAMN!

god help me outta here,remove him from my heart.now all in vain.not have been possible.love story is always i proud of,you change all.guess who made me this way,without ever seeing,how I try the best for yourself.
why can not you who love me sincerely
i was not a perfect girl,but I deserve being loved sincerity
now let time answer ..

fear.

many fear that I have,

when I was growing up,

I understand the name of responsibility,

I fell in an increasingly difficult life challenges,

and cycle time changes,

through many smiles and tears,

while I found that I loved him,

then I say the sacred promise

through the various events of life,

experiencing life changes,

experiencing new things are scary,t

hen I'm getting old,

when their loved one at a time I went,

when I faced many failures,when jealousy and selfish-threatening,

where I get lost in space and time,when I gave birth to a child that I later,

when I became a mother,

when my son started to pull away and understand the meaning of life,when my spouse left, ahead of me.

while I was getting fed up of life,sat in a house containing the later age peers.

I was very scared.

aku

aku dilahirkan sebagai pemimpi,

ya,bukan seorang yang kaya akan kehidupan.

tapi aku kaya akan kebebasan.

dimana aku berfantasi.

disana,ada padang rumput yang sangat hijau,aku berbaring diatasnya.

mengenakan gaun putih,polos.

ku genggam bunga yang telah kering kerontang,

disana aku memiliki sebuah tombol,

bertuliskan,"REWIND"

semuanya berjalan mundur.

aku tidak bisa masuk begitu saja kedalam angan.

namun semuanya terulang.

begitu tombol itu memanas.

kucoba terus,namun.benda itu padam.

padang rumput yang hijau itu menjadi mengering.

hanya tinggal aku,dan bunga darinya.

satu hal yang dapat aku gambarkan.hancur seketika

lagi.

kian hari kian menipis,rasanya semakin perih,begitu sesekali melihat kebelakang.

"CAPEK!"

kalau saja aku bisa manjangkau telingamu,

ingin rasanya aku mengusir kesepianku,

ku sayat tangan ini setiap sesak aku rasakan,

duduk di sudut ruangan,aku berteriak

aku menangis,

aku mengeluh kepada Tuan Penyair,

kepadaNya aku berkata,

aku lelah,

keingian membutakan aku,

hasrat membuat aku menjadi bisu,

kulit ini terus terkoyak,

pembuluh ini seakan pecah seketika.

rasanya aku tidak lagi menghargai kehidupan.

berikutnya,

aku akan terus mencoba,meneguk pelan-pelan karangan pahit ini.

tanpa cela.

tanpa ada kata.

aku yakin penyair yang mengarang cerita hidupku ada.

DIA 'ADA'.

maka perlahan Penyair akan menyirnakan.

kebutaan,

kebisuan,

segala kesepian,

baik tuan Penyair,

kini aku kembali bangun dari situ,

ya,tempat dimana ku jatuh beberapa waktu lalu.

Tuan aku ingin tidur,

jangan sampai mereka membangunkan aku,

ya.itu karena aku ingi merasakan kebebasan.

bilamana dia datang kepada aku,

biarlah dia membangunkan aku,

sesungguhnya dia akan mengajakku,

berbicara dan merasakan kebebasan.

Tuan,aku enggan menjadi penonton acara kebebasan,

jujur aku iri.

dimana melihat mereka tidak terpasung dalam penjara kesedihan,

penuh kemunafikan,kenaifan,kehancuran.

Tuan telah membalikkan tanganNya.

aku berjalan menggunakan kedua tangan ku.

kedua kaki ku menyentuh masa lampau,

itu,hal itu..

aku terpasung.

masih disudut yang sama,aku bernyanyi bersama kebutaan ku.

air mataku menari menyambut kebisuan,

lagu ini terus ku nyanyikan,

murni dari luka ku yang berdarah,

dan bibirku yang tersenyum.

*cher

god,i miss him

Everyday and every night, this feeling I'd fight

Try as I might but I wont win, I surrender,

I'd die You are winning here alright

Every morning when the sun would shine on me

I'd flash a smile but deep inside

I feel so sad and lonely

I need you here and now

I miss you

Its crazy to pretend that I don't think of you

The more this feeling just seems to grow and grow

I miss you

how much longer can I hold on to ?

Maybe you can come and tell me that you miss me too

(i wish!)

Miss you

All I want is for this love to last forever

"You walked away, never came back, " :'(

(please take me back to the start)

I tried to recover I can't bear it boy alright

When I hear a song that we had used to share

I'll try as I might to hide the tears,

and when the pain is over

Ill wish that you are near

i miss yaa.t

heart of matter

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it doesn't keep us warm

I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore
Even if you don't love me anymore

i love my mom,

semuanya semakin berat rasanya,
sampe saatnya gw liat mami nangis,rasanya ancur.
dia bilang dia sedih liat gw gini terus,
dia bilang ngga tau lagi gimana nyuruh gw makan,
ngga tau gimana lagi buat gw ceria kayak dulu.
katanya gw berubah.banyak.
dia udah mulai putus asa,ngadepin gw yang makin lama makin berubah.
susah rasanya buat senyum apa lagi ketawa.
ngga ada sedikitpun keinginan dari gw sendiri buat senyum.
selalu bohong sama orang,gw bilang"i'm okay"
well i'm not okay.sebenernya capek gini terus.cuma ngga tau mau mulai dari mana.

rewind please..

as we often sang together in the car at that time ..

"wonderful world",

"I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.
I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.
The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They're really saying I love you.
I hear babies crying, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll never know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world"

love.

happiness is for those who hurt,
those who have and are looking for and
those who have tried.
because they can appreciate how
the importance of people who have touched the lives
them.

True love is when you
crying and still care for him,
was when he did not care about you and
you are still waiting for the faithful.
Is when the begin to love others and
You still can smile and say
"I'm happy for you"

love is not how you
forget him when he made a mistake,
but how you forgive.

Is not how you listen,
but how you understand.
is not what you see,

but what do you think,
is not how you let go of it
but how you survive.

Maybe time will come where you have to
stop loving someone, not because people
It stopped loving us but because

we realized that the person would be happier
if we let it go.

sometimes, people love the most is
people who never expressed love
to you, for fear you turn and
gives the distance, and if a time out, you will
realize that she is the love that you do not
realize. (Kahlil Gibran)

dedicated to someone,*d

love.

happiness is for those who hurt,
those who have and are looking for and
those who have tried.
because they can appreciate how
the importance of people who have touched the lives
them.

True love is when you
crying and still care for him,
was when he did not care about you and
you are still waiting for the faithful.
Is when the begin to love others and
You still can smile and say
"I'm happy for you"

love is not how you
forget him when he made a mistake,
but how you forgive.

Is not how you listen,
but how you understand.
is not what you see,

but what do you think,
is not how you let go of it
but how you survive.

Maybe time will come where you have to
stop loving someone, not because people
It stopped loving us but because

we realized that the person would be happier
if we let it go.

sometimes, people love the most is
people who never expressed love
to you, for fear you turn and
gives the distance, and if a time out, you will
realize that she is the love that you do not
realize. (Kahlil Gibran)

dedicated to someone,*d

sick

increasingly painful. I was lonely.

shortness of it..remember everything while my heart is empty.

I want to rip my chest.

I cut my veins.

I think I lived enough.

it feels heavy.

after having my eye blindness.

after it made me to be mute and deaf.

I'm not dead quarter.

my soul and body to die half.

remaining stuck into the rest of my life compulsion to stay.

I tried to stand.

I failed.

I tear up.

I'm tired of always nosebleeds because of holding tight in the chest.

"Lord, take me away far from here,

I was afraid to live

I was vulnerable ..

Sir help me, I'm tired knees,

I'm tired of complaining,

I want to be just a pile of ashes,

like the old days before I feel alive "